I am an elitist. Or at least, that’s how I will be perceived by the grand majority of the rabble that uses this website. Of course, I’m not actually an elitist, I’m a young man and a huge fan of music, and certainly not your average “fan of music” that gets the giggles whenever insert generic band releases their newest compilation of trite music. There’s many, and I do mean many, people who listen to music, millions and millions of people everywhere around the globe, they all listen to music one way or another, on their phones, in the car, at work, wherever and whenever. But only a very small percent actually listens to music, and knowing how to listen and enjoy and appreciate music is something that many never learn, and will never learn, simply because they aren’t smart enough, or because they have an immature mentality, or because they are trying to impress others with sheer volume of known records, or because they use music as background for other things (Yes you can do that, but then don’t try to tell me you actually heard the record, because you didn’t get shit from it), or because, or because, or because…

Or, because they don’t know what music is all about, and that still baffles me, how some manage to not understand that music is all about… music! Just music.

It’s not about the lyrics, good lyrics are but a bonus to the music itself, would you actually consider listen to an album that you musically hate, only because it was a poetic masterpiece? I can answer that, it’s a resounding no, and even the dumbest, most basic, trashy human being walking this planet would know that the answer is no. The lyrics are not the focus!

It’s not about the production, proper production values is also a bonus to the music itself, would you consider listen to an album that has no song you enjoy, only because the mix sounds so clear and crisp? Because the guitar tone is so warm and cozy? Because the bass tone is so fat and thick? Surprisingly, I also can answer that, it’s a big no! Production is an aesthetic, a weapon, an ace that a good artist will use to enhance and elevate the music.

It’s not about the number or quality of the instruments used, metal isn’t better because it only uses guitars, a bass and a drum set (Nowadays, it’s more keyboards, guitars, and drums, but you get what I’m saying hopefully), classical music isn’t better for using full blown orchestras, and synth wave isn’t worse for being made in a soulless computer. Great music can come out of a de-tuned guitar, a broken accordion, and a faulty Casio keyboard, and bad music can come out of a grand polished orchestra in the best amphitheater money can buy. Limitations are important, and good artists will make magic out of scraps, while bad artists will create aural shit out of expensive equipment and trained personnel. Instruments are a necessity for music, having a thousand different ones or only one will never matter if the composer knows not how to use them.

It’s not about the genre. Classical music is not better than any other style of music, and this is another “opinion” that a lot of people seem to have, that classical music is this exalted style of music that only “smart” and snobby people can appreciate. Because it’s supposedly an extremely complex genre that only musical prodigies can participate in. Because it’s played by so many people and so many instruments (See the previous bullet) that only intellectuals with 2 brains can understand. I have no clue how this mentality came to be but I will tell you this: If you think that classical music is a superior genre of music, you are wrong. And, a similar style of reasoning applies to many other genres, metal isn’t just screams and guttural vocals aren’t necessarily bad (You’re just really close-minded), pop isn’t all bad and just because an album is labeled pop, it doesn’t mean it has to be simple and shallow, and so on. All genres have their redeeming qualities, one needs only to learns how to skew expectations in other to be able to take something out of said genre. However, and I have no problem admitting this, there is one genre that I simply cannot appreciate, it’s harsh noise. Not noise music in itself, only the select few that fit the category of harsh noise. Honestly, I get headaches and it’s very unpleasant and the opposite of anything musical… My toots are more musical and pleasing to the ear than harsh noise.

Well, that last point really got out of control, didn’t it? It’s just my opinions on what music isn’t, but what do I know? Music isn’t all of that, so what is it? Music is all about everything else, and if it’s not the lyrics, the production, the number and quality of instruments, or the genre, then what’s left? The composers, or in a more colloquial phrase, the people who write the music. The melodies, the rhythm, the vocal styles, what instrument does what, the passages and what do they convey, the strength of a particular sound, the length of time a note is held, the tempo, and everything that can be considered in a song. What you can see represented in a musical sheet, is what matters. Even if a musical sheet appears to be a jumble of nomenclature with no music to it, it holds everything that matters to music, the composition. That’s what matters! Everything else is secondary. If you don’t understand what I’m saying, you’re stupid and my advice to you is: stop being stupid.

Because, even if you knew what music actually is, which you don’t and don’t ever kid yourself into thinking that you do, you’d most likely not know how to listen to it. Listening to music is in itself a craft of its own, an art you naturally master yourself through time and dedication, but only if you actually love the hobby. No person gets good at any hobby by having no passion for it, those who have no passion are the ones who quit, are the ones who think that having the most expensive equipment is what will make them good at the craft, are the ones who think that they will master the art in a week or two, are the ones who quit on the first or second or third try. Listening to music is just like a hobby, a hobby that many pretend to love when all they really like, is to listen to the same old refurbished clichés and autotuned shrills that pass off as music on the radio. Well, lucky for you, I have some very important tips from someone who knows everything about enjoying music properly, you see:

Expectation is your biggest enemy – Having expectations can completely destroy an album for you before you even started listening to the damn thing. A friend told you: “This new Gojira record is amazing, 10 out of 10, you should totally give it a try bro!” And when you finally get to tackle the record, you immediately start to realize that it’s anything but amazing and you’re disappointed because it just isn’t a fucking 10 out of fucking 10. Or maybe, an acquaintance told you: “This new Battle Beast album is so good, some of the best power metal I’ve heard in years” And when you finally get to tackle this immense otherworldly beast of a record, you quickly realize it’s not power metal at all and it’s gross pop metal, and you’re now disappointed once again, because the expectation of power metal was simply not met. Listening is a state of absolute receptivity, you can’t expect things based on what others perceived, music is experienced differently from others, a movie can be appreciated from many different angles, a book can offer resolution to some people and dread to others, and so on with everything in this huge culturally expanding world. You don’t expect anything, you don’t want anything, and you will be happier. I would add that engaging yourself in the creative world, will open new perspectives and you will understand what I’m trying to say, because one side of the creative process is very much about being receptive, about having no control, about making something out of nothing.
Listen for your own joy and personal fulfillment – And absolutely never to impress others, never, under no circumstance. Many, and by many I mean way too many, people do this and it’s transparently clear to me when these morons are trying to be all righteous and superior with their “artsiness” and pseudo intellectual mambo jambo, saying things like “intricate song structures” and “unpredictable nature”, or even critiquing aspects they themselves no nothing about, like saying “the cymbals aren’t strong enough” or “these vocals lines are so wonky”, as if these aspects are what make or break a record. People need not talk about what they do not know or comprehend, and people desperately need to stop and pretend to be someone they are not, and most people aren’t music lovers, they may get a kick out of some music, but they certainly don’t love the hobby like I do, there are thousands of other hobbies to pick from, go find your own thing.
Only your opinion should matter – Also known as, never read reviews to judge an album’s quality. That seems a bit of an odd thing to say, but you should never trust what a reviewer has to say about the “quality” of an album, he or she experienced it in a way that is/was unique to that person, and your listening experience will be wildly different. Music reviews are helpful for post-analysis, it may provide you insight that you did not know and you may approach certain parts with a new mindset, it may also give you an interesting idea of how the author experienced and what he gained from it, what he thought was horribly wrong, and what he thinks it could have become. Not all reviewers are music experts (Thankfully!), but those who are aren’t better for it, in fact, it seems that the few reviewers I respect appear to know next to nothing about music theory and/or production and/or about the art of making music. They are instead, intelligent people who can formulate their own unique opinion, and are firmly aware of what they enjoy in music.
Furthermore, what you should entirely avoid are hipster websites (who shall remain unnamed) that constantly gawk over any hyped up artist, or whatever is the currently trending clichéd band. With their bloated scores giving perfect grades left and right to “sell” the music to the reader. Metal Archives, which is a website that does its best to archives as much metal music as possible, as this exact problem multiplied by 10. They allow any user to review records, and as long as that review is written sufficiently well and is according to grammatical standards, you can pretty much write whatever bullshit you want, regardless of truth or not. The end result is a bunch of meaningless textual goop, written by edgy pretentious “metalheads” that overhype everything to the nth degree or curb stomp a dead horse until it resembles mush. Don’t bother with “music experts”, don’t bother with reviewers, trust your ears and reach your own conclusions.
It’s from the 60s/70s/80s so it must be good – Also known as, music used to be good. Hipsters love to say that, they just love to say music used to be good and now everything is bland and insipid when it’s just not right, is it? Phenomenal music comes at any point in time, and will continue to come for ever and ever, there will always be space for innovation, the realms of possibility are endless and will never run out, the pit of potential music is bottomless, but artists will need to stretch their arm a little bit more to grab that elusive golden nugget. Great music is everywhere temporal-wise, and if you doubt that, well, then you’re just a moron, and my advice, as usual, is stop being a moron.
Only listen to music – Also known as, you listen to music and play games? You didn’t listen to shit. Yes, there are probably many brain dead albums and music types that are sufficiently dumbed down that you can slap it on a loud stereo and do other things, but that’s not the kind of listening to music I am talking about here. We’re talking about serious music, not “top 50 boom boom mix compilations” or vapid music built on abhorrent pop clichés and meaningless trivializations. We’re talking music, and if you still don’t know what I’m trying to tell you, it’s probably best to just leave, or, you know, stop being ignorant, but you just can’t help right? Anyways, only listen to the music, don’t play games, don’t read a book, don’t go DnD, don’t go running, don’t go painting, don’t go fuck, don’t go talk to others, don’t watch TV, don’t, don’t, don’t. Unless you mean to use music as some sort of distraction, but if your goal is to experience the album, then you must only listen. Just because you have listened to 666 billion record doesn’t make you look smart or cool, I know far too many people who say: “I’ve heard this album before, but I don’t remember it.” Guess what? You’re a moronic hipster, you can do other things while listening to music, but that doesn’t mean you should do it, you also can fuck, eat, drink, shit yourself, read a book, listen to music all at the same time, but it doesn’t mean you should be doing it.
Plus, there are records that have intricacy, or nuance, or complexity, or actual meaning and thought. Some records demand to be listened and experienced multiple times, and I’d wager that any decent album will require multiple listens. Otherwise, it’s hardly decent in the first place as it has no staying power.
Song length doesn’t imply complexity – My dick is long and that doesn’t mean it’s complex, it’s straight, it erects when aroused, it has a head, a shaft, pubes at the bottom (unless I trim them, which I do because pubes are gross), there are veins and when it’s stroked a reasonable amount of times, baby batter is launched. A 3-minute song can be more complex than a 16-minute song, and vice-versa. Length doesn’t automatically mean that the song is complex and difficult to listen to, and you shouldn’t be a scared little hipster when a lengthy song presents itself, maybe it’s harder to swallow just like my long dick, but if you believe enough, you can do it!
Repetition and catchiness are not a bad thing – And anyone who thinks that they are, is a complete and utter idiot. Both are quite possibly the most powerful tool in a writer’s arsenal. For centuries, every major composer talked about the importance of writing melodies that have staying power and are enjoyable on the spot, and of repeating parts with small variations to achieve many possible effects. Sometimes, even the great composers in music don’t have the foresight to understand the catchy power of a certain melody, and know when to reuse it to great effect. Repetition is not a sign of stupidity or lack of creativity, it can be, but it can also be very intentional, and when used correctly, extremely powerful.

I’m sure there is more for me to rant on about, but this will do. As for you, dear reader, there is no hope for you, I’m smarter than you, good-lookinger than you, and just better than you, so you’ll never listen to music like I do and you will never comprehend it like I do. You can come close, though, if, and only if, you follow my hefty tips and tricks. Ok bye.

https://rateyourmusic.com/~HammerOfDeath