I found my carpet to be so absorptive that I just don’t even bother with a toilet anymore. Every day, its lush green fibers spirit my waste away to its special place, a realm where the poo fairies and pee sprites can live together in a glorious and beautiful harmony. I like to imagine the twisting, vine-covered trees and the earthen mountainpeaks that ring the island, a wondrous place where they check their worries and stresses in at the door and know only peace from arrival to the end of days. Its central spire is home to a grand, sprawling castle of glass and porcelain… indeed, beneath the soggy green fibers of carpet coated in layers of human peat, the Kingdom of Excrementus is ruled by Number One and his right-hand man, Number Two. I hope one day that I can swim down through the layers and visit them in that oh-so-special place… but the real world calls, and my visitations to the kingdom every morning must remain only that: a visit, a temporary stay in that shelter from the woes of the world. At my job, whenever my boss is angry or people are cruel or mean to me, I never let the smile break on my face… for though they might wonder why I can stay so happy, they never know my secret. I have a world of my own, a carpet of poo and pee that they could never get to.

Nothing could ever take that away from me.