It’s gotten beyond a joke now. They screech day and night. They spread disease with their filth. They shit **everywhere**. They deface buildings and vehicles and statues with their shit that might as well be acidic xenomorph blood with the damage it leaves on some things (like my car!). They nest all over the place and you can legally do nothing about it (I dislike being kept up till 3AM by screaming, but I think I’d dislike being bummed in the prison showers more). They constantly steal food out of the hands of people and claw them to bits in the process which would be a jailable offense if a human did it.They are getting bolder and louder every year and one of these days they’re probably gonna start coming directly after kids and pets once they realise they can catch some wee lad unaware and glued to his iPad when his parents hop inside to get more charcoal for the barbie.

I know there’ll be a bunch of cunts telling me “b-but, postphysique, they’re **animals**! And as we all know, animals are sacred! You can never **ever** hurt or kill an animal because all the animals rights propaganda I’ve seen and involuntarily consumed in excess from organisations that murder puppies like their mills are a DooM level over the past decade have told me that animals are perfect innocent angels, and that humans are **evil** monsters who love to make the animals sad who are perpetual victims of humanity!” And to that I retort, **are** they? They’re bullies to other birds. They are the smuggest animals ive ever encountered and I’ve lived in a place where wild geese are a thing. This isn’t some graceful little cedar waxwing peacefully filling the air with beautiful song in a beautiful cherry blossom grove of tranquility, it’s a flying, screeching, shitting hellhawk that has evolved right alongside us ever since the industrial revolution. It is purely a product of our technological progress and as such it is an abomination of nature. And like zombies and antibiotic-resistant bacteria and greedy corporate bastards and other post-industrial abominations of nature, it has a mortal vulnerability to flamethrowers. So I say let’s get cracking on and send these fuckers back to the seas where they belong before we get a living, screeching recreation of the classic Hitchcock horror, *The Birds*.

The funny thing is, other countries cull animal populations over so much less. We don’t have to drive them to extinction. Just maybe teach them an example of how seagulls in other countries behave. I’ve been to other coastal European countries (and even other continents) and the seagulls there might as well be a different species. They’re half the size and about a twentieth of the threat to your chippies. So why do we have to sit here and pretend they’re some lovely, perfectly normal part of nature? “Protected species” my bloodied prostate. They are smart little shits and at this point I think they are fully aware that we are legally powerless against them. It’s frankly embarrassing that our ape ancestors clawed their way to the food chain with nothing other than a good frontal lobe just for us to sit here and be bested by birds moving from sea to land, just because some pseudo pecking order in some posh building in London decided these cunts don’t bother us enough

And someone else is probably gonna come along and say “but their numbers are decreasing!”, and to that I demand a recount because where I live they are multiplying like a 3rd grader cheating on a maths test with a calculator. They aren’t even **sea**gulls at this point, just a bunch of fattened cunts from all the pigeons and rabbits and terriers and rubbish they eat. Absolutely ridiculous that rabbits are a pest but not the fuckers who brutally murder them. We need to get off our high horse and admit they are a problem to the safety of us and other wildlife already

Please tell me I’m not the only one at my wit’s end with these fuckers. Enough is enough