(Walks into room and places 3 foot dildo on the floor)

Christmas came a little early for me this year – what you’re looking at is 60lbs of penis and balls. There’s more weiner there than your mind can even comprehend. Straight from the blueprints of Alexander Graham Bell before he invented the telephone we have… the Moby Huge 3 foot dildo. That’s right, standing at a towering 3 feet of cock, It is 90% weiner 10% fear. I’d put it on my lap right now but it’d crush my *puny* 6.5 inches of meat. This thing – I wouldn’t be surprised if it was made out of steel. I had to carry this fuckin’ thing up the stairs and I thought it was gonna be how I died. I thought for sure – my life was flashing before my eyes climbing up those stairs. I thought I was just gonna fall over and die, crushed by the weight of our sins. But we managed to, to really pull through, I got it in here and man – what, what a conversation peice huh? That’s something that you hang over the fireplace on the mantle. Just look at the head of this bad boy. It actually looks like a regulation sized fire-fighters helmet, like that could actually be used in the real world if you just cut the top of this off and hollowed it out. It is absolutely massive, and the balls on it, the testicles? They’re the size of like, 3 basketballs stacked on top of themselves. This fuckin’ thing is really set to wumbo. Like I – I was expecting a lotta dick when I heard about the Moby Huge but this exceeded my expectations, this thing is like, some old relic that ancient cavemen would’ve bowed down and prayed to. It is fuckin’ intimidating. Now I know the question all of you are asking yourselves right now. “What does it smell like?”, and to answer your question, it smells like.. a rubber dick. And uh.. That’s really about where that smell test ends, there’s not  a whole lot of different fragrances in there it doesn’t smell like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina candle or anything. It just smells like a big old rubber cock. And the next question you’re probably asking yourself is “Charlie, why?”… And that’s not an easy question to answer but in order to tackle it I’ll have to take you through some of Sigmund Freud’s work. Sigmund Freud divided the human consciousness into 3 categories : the conscious, the unconscious, the pre-conscious, and all three of these overlapped with his ideas of the ID, the ego and the super-ego. I’m sure most of you know this even with just some  rudimentary understanding of psychology but what a lot of you probably don’t know and probably weren’t taught in school is that on Freud’s death bed, he actually divided it into a fourth-levelled consciousness, which he called “the big penis one”. And in the big penis levelled consciousness, it talks about the pursuit of something greater than thyself’s manhood.Freud argues that in this level it’s more about a man’s greed, how no man is ever satisfied with the size of his cock, it could always be bigger, girthier, what have you. And he talks about how a man will always want a bigger dick. Well I found the biggest fucking dick possible, this is literally the largest retail cock available, so I-I’ve gone above and beyond, transcended that level of consciousness. Somewhere out there Sigmund Freud is smiling, r- y’know a big old smile on his grave right now, and uh yeah-y’know in a nutshell the answer to the question why did I buy it? Well because… Why the fuck not. I have like, a thousand dildos in this closet behind me but non of them are *3 feet*, so I had to get a 3-foot dildo to complete the collection. No point in owning a thousand dildos if you don’t have *the biggest dildo*, y’know what I mean? And this is the biggest fuckin’ dildo, this goddamn vein here looks like a rail gun. This thing could probably shoot actual missiles out of it, it could be an RPG tube, if I re-fashioned it for that purpose. This thing is crazy, this thing is fuckin’ nuts. But yeah I just wanted to, just wanted to talk about it cause, this-this fuckin’ thing is wild. I- I didn’t expect it to be this, like, scary, to be honest. Someone made me aware of its existence during a stream and I thought it was like a bigfoot believer trying to preach that sasquach is real I said “There’s no way there could be a 3-foot dildo, that’s impossible – if anyone tried to use it they’d just die trying to use it, but then they linked me the amazon page and it was real. So then I got on Tiana’s parent’s Amazon account and bought it. I’m sure they were shocked, it probably led to an argument amongst themselves on who bought the 3-foot-dildo but, y’know, at least we fucking got it, right? Like this thing, I mean – shit – it really brings the room together, and when it got here, I knew it was powerful because the entire fuckin’ side and top of the box was completely blasted open. This thing is so powerful that not even the box could contain it. Like the entire top of the box on the side was just completely open and the tip was hanging out, so the poor delivery guy prolly got a face full of this dick when he was like, bringing it to my door, he was like, manhandling it, he was like bear-hugging it, and the tip was just fly-i-well, it was just hanging out I don’t think it like flew out or anything, I don’t think it fell. But y-you know what I’m saying, like this box it-really it didn’t know what it was trying to contain. But yeah anyway, uh that’s about it, see ya.

Here’s the video in question if anyone is confused https://youtu.be/ODLxA0WAf3A