Hey I’m not a total piece of shit loser so there’s no way I’m watching an hour and a half fucking facebook keynote address, but can someone give me the timestamp where Zuckerberg shows up so I can go frame by frame to see if he shapeshifts back into a lizard by accident? What I really wanna know is why the lizard people need to spy on us over the internet with websites like Facebook that treat your browsing data like a line of cocaine on my dick when I was a boy scout, when they already have the power to read our minds from their subterranean hollow planet world? I mean at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if Facebook paid my dog to collect data on me. Speaking of which, I was on Facebook-owned WhatsApp the other day trying to sell my dog so I could buy plane tickets and film out the window to prove the earth is flat, when the police busted my goddamn door down and arrested me! I thought this shit was encrypted, Mark! But the real kicker is they didn’t even arrest me for trying to sell my dog on WhatsApp. No, they arrested me for throwing that old guy off a bridge.