We were watching TV and enjoying our baked brie and croissants, when I noticed that Zed, the 4 year old, was noticeably bothered. I asked him what was disturbing him so terribly. Poor little chap was trying to absorb the nuances of “This week in Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience” but unfortunately found himself distracted by the somewhat crummy picture quality on our vintage 19″ Zenith CRT television set. “What up, Zed?”, I inquired. “Father, you must remediate this inferior broadcast display promptly!”, he replied. “Damn straight!! I’s on it, dog!”, I retorted.


I identified the problem as a slightly crushed antenna cable.


So I powered up the Commodore 64, typed LOAD “THE-INTERNET”,8,1 into the flashing BASIC V2 prompt, and fired up PowerTerm with the NCSA Mosaic modification. That still works splendidly on my VicModem.


Making my way to Amazon, I weeded through the many choices and found this beauty. For nearly $1,100, it must be spectacular. So emptying out all $139.47 from my checking account, $357.11 from savings, providing a few unmentionable services which earned another $466, and getting just enough to cover the rest of the price from the sale of my yellow 1978 Ford Pinto (throwing in the fuzzy seat covers and half a tank of gas for free), I purchased this bad boy.


I had trouble at first getting it to connect between the antenna and the TV, but it wasn’t anything that a pipe wrench, duct tape and large hammer couldn’t resolve. So you’re probably wondering after all this nonsense how it actually works.


Great!!! We’ve never had a better picture. “Well, Cooter, then why did you rate it 2 stars?” … Good question. I spent 4 months worth of our grocery and dining budget on this cable, so now poor Zed is going out of his mind with starvation, and to make matters worse, the Olive Garden commercials are now so awesomely crisp that little Zed’s hunger is multiplied. He’s so famished that none of the Cognitive Neuroscience that he has been following has really been of much use to him. His little brain is withering away for lack of food. So while the cable itself is worth every bit of the 5 stars I would have given it (right there even with the performance of the $4.75 cable, only this one is a lot prettier), having to listen to Zed’s incessant whining and his stomach grumbling is just too much. That’s worth a 3 star deduction.


I would have deducted 4 stars for that annoyance, but I found that this cable works magically well for tying that damned drawer that won’t stay closed. A bonus star for the unprecedented versatility of this marvelous piece of technology.