Opening with the Bartons is almost exactly the same, except that everyone except Nathaniel enthusiastically asks for mayo on their hotdogs. When Nate asks his mother for ketchup, she makes fun of him.

Nebula and Tony play their game of paper football, then have sex. Afterward, Tony makes comments about various little discomforts caused by Nebula’s cybernetic parts. Nebula acts miffed, but surprisingly controlled and takes it as constructive criticism. Tony records a message to Pepper that’s still loving, but he includes all the details of sleeping with Nebula without changing his tone at all. Captain Marvel’s rescue is unchanged.

Upon return to Earth, Steve and Tony immediate insult each other over the events of Civil War and the aftermath, but then laugh it off and go to have a drink. Pepper takes Nebula aside to talk seriously about Tony’s carnal performance under pressure. Tony collapses not in the wake of a fit of anger, but instead because he’s drinking while still dehydrated against Bruce’s advice. Rocket makes a snide remark about how Nebula has worn him out and this time, Captain Marvel and Thor have to restrain Nebula.

The strike against Thanos isn’t too different, except that Tony tags along and there’s a lot more lame jokes. The conclusion once they discover the Stones are destroyed and Natasha kills Thanos by shooting him fifteen times in the head, is just, “Well, fuck. Who wants shawarma?”

Five years pass. The Avengers & co are playing a networked Starcraft game and through the lens of the match we see how everybody is living. Nebula is at the Starks’ lakeside house giving Morgan age-inappropriate combat tips so Tony and Pepper can play Starcraft. Natasha and Professor Hulk Bruce are living together at the Avengers compound. Nat’s hair is now blue. Thor is pretty much as we saw him in the real movie. Rocket is at Rhodey’s. Everybody, not just Thor, are out of shape, though Thor is the worst. Only Clint is missing. Everybody, even Morgan, hates n00bmast3r69.

Hard cut to Scott, still wearing his Ant-Man suit, and a confused teenage Cassie at a hotdog stand. Scott, is starting to rant about what kind of hotdog stand only serves dogs with mayo, when he realizes he’s trying to order a hotdog with conventional condiments from Clint. In memory of his family, Clint has dedicated himself to the cause of converting the world to mayo on hotdogs. Of course, Clint knew who Scott was, but he was pretending not to in a lame attempt to avoid getting sucked back in. While Scott tries to convince Clint to go to Avengers’ compound with him, Cassie accepts a hotdog with mayo.

Clint, Scott and Cassie show up at the gate of Avengers HQ but it takes forever to get in because Nat and Bruce are sleeping in and can’t hear the buzzer. Steve is crashed out on the sofa and doesn’t hear the buzzer either. When they finally get in, Nat answers in bunny slippers and Clint opens by offering everybody hotdogs with mayo. Only Bruce says yes. Nat’s hair is green now.

Cut to Bruce and Tony, with a case of beer, kibitzing about the time travel problem while they play Starcraft. There’s an untouched hotdog with mayo next to Tony. In the background, Nebula is teaching Cassie and Morgan how to make batteries explode. Thor appears briefly to steal Tony’s hotdog with mayo. Nat’s hair is magenta.

Hard cut to completely time machine and everybody in Quantum suits. Everybody except Hawkeye and Scott are uncomfortable because the suits are a bit too tight. Nat’s hair is orange now. Steve gives his speech, with distractions because his Quantum pants are hiking up America’s ass.

Time travel and stone retrieval goes close to original script, except with more dick jokes and Natasha doesn’t die — on Vormir, Clint tearfully swears on pain of Natasha’s death to give up mayo on hot dogs and the Soul Stone accepts his sacrifice. Also, Nebula takes the time to kick the unconscious Quill in the nuts. She does her freakout, but movie doesn’t bother showing us 2014 Thanos figuring it all out. Upon return from the past, Nat’s hair is blonde again.

There is an honest, hair-pulling, biting and gouging fight over who gets to put the gauntlet on because while everybody wants to bring all the lost life back, they also have selfish motives like snapping themselves back into shape. Clint stays out of it, staring mournfully at a plain hotdog. The Hulk manages to get the gauntlet on and snap, which one Avenger on each of his legs, two on his back and one on each arm.

Thanos’ ship explodes out of the past and bombs Avengers HQ, but while that’s happening the movie cuts away to the shawarma restaurant from the original Avengers and the shot lingers on the Avengers’ table, currently empty, shuddering from the distant explosions. Cut back to the destroyed Avengers HQ where the two Nebulas are having a trash talking catfight while Thanos looks on. This lasts a full five minutes before Cap, Thor and Iron Man emerge from the rubble. Thanos gives his speech, but it’s constantly interrupted by the fighting Nebulas. Thor gets impatient and throws Mjolnir at Thanos’ nuts. The Titan takes the hit, but reacts visibly and it’s all downhill from there. The trio attacks, but every move they make is calculated to create an opening for another crotch shot. The Nebulas continue fighting.

Despite repulsor blasts, lightning, blows from Mjolnir, Stormbreaker, and Cap’s shield, Thanos’ nuts hold fast and he’s beating the snot out of the trio of senior Avengers. Before being knocked out though, Tony blasts 2014 Nebula after modern Nebula makes a TMI comment referencing their sexy time on the Benatar. It’s down to Cap with his broken shield and Nebula against Thanos. Nebula is helping Cap up when the portals open.

“Avengers… go for the nuts!”

Wanda is the first to do some real damage, as she unleashes the full force of her telekinesis, forcing Thanos to order a bombardment to get her to stop psychically crushing his family jewels. It’s Captain Marvel that brings it home though. She flies right through Sanctuary II and doesn’t bother stopping. Carol slams into Thanos’s package at mach 1, which is finally too much for him. The Titan doubles over in pain and the Avengers & co form an orderly line so everybody can have a turn to kick Thanos in the nads. While all this is happening, Clint is holding onto the Infinity Gauntlet and is on the phone with Laura, trying to explain how he can’t ever have a hotdog with mayo again or Natasha will die. It’s a serious issue.

Fade to Tony and Natasha sitting on the porch at his house. Nat is a redhead again. In the background, Nebula is showing Morgan how to field strip a gun.

Tony: “Rain’s a comin'”

Nat: “Yep.”

In the background, Morgan accidentally shoots Nebula.

The End