I’ll have you know that Fionn mac Cumhaill took one mighty leap across the sea and landed in America. He landed on a patch of shamrocks. In fact, he landed so hard that he ejaculated, and because he was so potent, all of the shamrocks got pregnant and gave birth to a new tribe of Americans, who were super duper Irish. These people married leprechauns – long catholic ceremonies, obviously. Like a four hour step aerobics class of kneeling and standing. No butts on the pews when kneeling, either. Today, they make up 90% of America, and are probably more Irish than you, if you think about it. Anyway, that’s why I drink every morning and eat mashed potatoes out of a green plastic hat.